And that struggle has been ongoing.
Ever since I had a life-path altering divorce shortly after graduating from college, that life-path has been an attempt at being a successful writer. Well, only recently did I realize that my lack of success (at least success by how I define it) has been because my motivations and focus were not true.
Now what does all of that mean? It means that I was focused not on producing great writing that was important to me, but focused on creating writing that would sell, that would please others, and that would get my name in lights. I was more concerned about monetary and popular success than producing projects that were important to me.
So much of this inappropriate focus was because I've always known that the projects that interest me most are not those blockbuster, fame grabbing projects. Having taken the not so orthodox route of becoming a writer (I'm not that kid who always had a nose in a book, pen in a journal, and always knew I wanted to be writer), I've always been insecure about my ability to create something someone was going to give a shit about.
But that's not the point, and reading a bried bio about Steven Pressfield (The Legend of Bagger Vance) reinforced that today. This is a guy who had a background writing stuff for money that didn't get him excited and, therefore, he took the dive and went to write novels. He did. They bombed. None sold. For a long time. He had to supplement his living with all sorts of odd jobs, but he stayed at it, and his "success" (making an actual living from his writing), did not start to come until he was in his early forties.
The success variable, however, is that nagging variable that so many artists struggle with. And I as a well socialized male, feel a great responsibility towards making enough money to support my family. Well, I started feeling better about my work, and current state of success when I let go of that socially imposed notion and was OK with my wife being the one making the most money in our family. Hell, it's her efforts that are now allowing me to pursue these other projects in the spare time I have between taking care of the kids and the house.
And with letting go of that insecurity I'm finding project after project falling into my lap that I actually give a shit about. And if I give a shit about it, I know that what I produce will matter to others, making the biggest project I've been working on having been…myself.