And through all of this I've finally found that vocational passion that I've always sought: documentary / non-fiction writing / filmmaking. So I have the first draft done on the Virtually Real. Now the hard work begins going over the 30,000 words that I expect to swell to 40,000 words and finally settle back to around 35,000 words as a final project. I'm still on the fence on whether or not to include photos / images in the book. I think they'll help since this is also supposed to be a companion piece to the documentary film by the same name.

For me, this is hard work but it's also fun. Damn, how lucky am I? I mean, this stuff is AWESOME, it's just that I can't get over the feeling that I'm leeching off of my wife since what I'm doing right now doesn't make a penny. The intention is to sell this project, and and gain some small remuneration for it, and to increase exposure for my ability to do this, and to make it easier to get grant funding for the next project. So I'm conflicted there regarding how hard my wife works, and how little in comparison I work.

Then again, maybe this is why I volunteer for everything I can with the kids at school. Helping in Kindergarten class. Helping 2nd grade PE. Coaching Little League baseball. Coaching coach-pitch baseball. Committees at school. Cubmaster for the Cub Scout pack. All of these things help me feel connected to our kids, connected to our community, that I'm doing something for our family if I'm not able to earn the same kind of money as my wife, all the while still getting that "everyone loves Arj" factor.

Then I spoke to a guy this morning who makes his living as a musician. I've referenced him a few postings back. Well I actually got to meet him this morning through a not so "boy that was weird" introduction. And here he is. A professional musician.

Damn.

But as he said, "I have to do a lot of stuff I don't like to do to make a living."

*gulp*

That's why I started making websites. That's why I've done technical writing for big companies. They were ways to make money with the skills that I have, and make more money than I could ever make fighting the war of journalistic attrition, making 50 cents a word when you're successful. Damn, that's a lot of writing. I write this down, and think about this and suddenly don't feel so bad about taking tha avenue that I did after earning a $30,000 MFA. Hell, having the Master's degree, one that's somewhat mysterious since not many people know or understand what an MFA in Creative Writing is, has helped me land client jobs that I suspect I would not have gotten without it.

So I see what my wife does, what she has to endure for a travel schedule, and overhear the conversations she has with everyone from bosses to subordinates, and the frustrations she feels, and the challenges she faces not only at the level she's attained, but also being a woman in a very phalocentric industry, and I think that I'm doing the equivalent of sitting around eating bon-bons, no matter how much volunteering I do.

Now, as the house husband / volunteering dad / aspiring documentarian / blogger / hack-amateur musician I'm doing much more than just eating bon-bons, of which I'm really not that much of a fan. I know, however, that I should keep a neater / cleaner house in the role that I have, but regardless of the efforts I'm making with everything else, I just can't bring myself to that level of engagement. If I had no wife and kids, I'd be a slob. Yup, I would. So to do as much as I do in the cleaning department is amazing in my mind.

So what is all of this rumination good for? Maybe it's an attempt at justifying what I am doing. I suspect that if I was able to make some form of income from my documentary efforts I would feel a lot better about what I do. In fact, I'm sure I would.

But for the time being, I need to look at my wife, applaud her for her efforts, but as I've learned from a few conversations with her, she too gets a lot out of what she does, despite the occassional frustrations, and challenges. She may not get as many "wins" on a daily basis as any of us need to feel like soldiering on, but she likes these challenges. She also truly believes in the products that her company sells, which is paramount for the success of anyone in anything. So while I do have my wife on a partial pedastal regarding what she has and does accomplish, I also need to remind myself that there is a lot about what she does that satisfies many aspects of her personality.

Maybe I just need to be satisfied with what I'm doing and what I'm contributing.