I went to my 20th college reunion this weekend at Cornell University. OK. Yes, I could have just said "college" and left it at that, but you go to college and you have pride in the institution you attended, and from what I've found to be a stereotypically East Coast kind of ethos, flaunt what is called educational capital when you can. Educational Capital is a kind of social currency that you can use in cocktail conversation or in many interpersonal dynamics. Think of the haughty Harvard grad saying through a lock-jaw "I went to Hah-vahd." Then think of all of the variations of either pride or modesty in regards to the schooling you have...or don't have. Pride can also well from an accomplished life without an education. It all depends on your personality.

I went into this weekend with a good deal of anxiety given what I have and have not accomplished in my life despite my educational capital -- particularly in light of my good friends I was meeting who are accomplished lawyers, and doctors.

Thing is, once we all got together, and I started getting reintroduced to classmates who I barely recongnized -- many of whom I honestly had not thought of once since graduating -- I forgot about my stance on educational capital, and accomplishments, and lack of accompishments. I had been in an a capella singing group in college and seven of us who had graduated the same year all decided to meet on campus without significant others od kids.

What a great decision. We hung out. We talked gibberish. We talked about serious stuff. I brought up often how much I didn't like who I was when I was in college. I learned how most of them didn't either. I learned that all of the anxieties, and feelings of inadequacy I had had over the years were not particular to me. Even among other classmates I saw with whom I had not sung, the 20th reunion was a kind of liberating means of redemption...of coming back to a place that was both maddening and freeing, and seeing it with a new luster. Seeing that the campus was not just beautiful on the surface, but a beautiful canvas for letting young adults figure out who the hell they are.

I came back to campus under the shadow of these men to whom I had always felt intellectually inferior, and that sense of inferiority always clouded everything I did. It was the reason I went to graduate school to prove to myself, and to prove to others that I could do well in school. Until I had gone to Cornell school was easy; yes, easy. At Cornell I lost sight of who I was, because, I realize in retrospect, I was trying to figure out who I was. Not who my parents, or peers wanted me to be, but who was the authentic RJ.

The irony is, I never figured that out until a couple of years ago, and the final leg in that journey was this last weekend. I was always the authentic RJ; he's always been right here. And the cool thing is that the journey of finding your authentic self never ends. I saw that in all of the people I spent time with this weekend, and that knowledge was stimulating and calming all at the same time. And maybe it was easier to see this time, too, because even though I had some anxiety before the weekend I knew that this time I was not going to try to impress anyone. Through the shedding of that ego-driven motivation I was also to see everyone through very lovely lenses, to feel the love I have for all of these dear friends...to hear and empathize with the fear and pain some are experiencing, and to rejoice in the happiness of others, and to not be concerned about how I measured up to it, because, after all, that doesn't matter. What matters is that these people, these people that I love like brothers, are in my life, and for that, I am blessed.